ginawdw: (Bad Day)
I spoke too soon. Of course I did... I always do.

I'm being disrespected by *all* the men in my house.

You know, I get that my brother pokes fun and says stuff; I grew up with him and we've always done that. But when my husband levels accusations like I don't know how to have fun, or I don't relax and enjoy the moment, or some other thing to make me feel bad about myself, I tend to get emotional--and quiet, because occasionally I don't want to say something that'll get flung back at me (which occurs often). When that happens, he says I don't communicate properly.

He's so logical and sometimes I swear he's void of all emotions but exasperation. Seriously, I can't win.

Then my oldest son laughs at me whenever possible. I have been made fun of entirely too many times. I'm not super-intelligent; I try to be, but mostly I'm an emotional woman, and that gets the better of me, and when I'm not trying to be quiet, I go all over the other end of the scale and *quite* often that "think before you speak" gets tossed out the window and those emotions speak before my brain has a handle on things.

And the two youngest really haven't done a whole lot to make things easier. I am still getting on them about stuff they are supposed to do--stuff they should all ready know about because I *tell them all the time* to do those things. but when I lose my cool and scream, I'm being "ridiculous" (my husband's word).

This morning, I told my husband about the kids having certain days off this month. I have the calendars color coordinated, so I know what's going on. I did not tell anyone what the colors meant, but when anyone who lives here (with a paying job) looks at it, they should automatically know what days they get paid, and if there is a green mark on it, green = pay day. NO ONE has asked what the other things mean. So when my husband makes a snide remark about not understanding the colors, it's *my* fault for not putting up a key/guide. Okay, I accept I should have done that, but everyone has a mouth and is quick to make a rude-ish comment about my emotional behavior, but can't ask what things mean on a calendar. Classy.

On top of all of this, I told my husband to leave open the weekend of Valentine's Day. Here's what I thought: It's a holiday especially set aside for people to express their love a bit more than usual, so I thought (stupidly), that maybe my husband and I could do something together because we haven't properly celebrated Valentine's Day or our anniversaries in a while. Yes, we've gone away, but almost always with the kids. I just wanted to spend time with him, alone, and thought he'd get the message.

He didn't, of course. When I said, "leave Valentine's weekend open", he sighed angrily, and said something akin to I don't speak up and he's not a mind reader. Not those words, but it was more like he was saying that I expected him to know what was going on that weekend but wasn't saying anything about it.

Yes. Yes, I do expect it. He's a man, I'm a woman. We are married. We don't spend a lot of time together showing affection. And sex? That's a laugh. Sex hasn't been fun for me, because when it does happen (and it's not been often) it's late at night, hurried, and usually he's the one achieving orgasm, because I'm too tired or concerned my brother or the kids will hear us. What's wrong with maybe spending a night in a hotel every so often to mix it up a little, and to try to spend time together expressing our love without inhibitions? I guess I expect too much; I'm not being "realistic".

But I digress. I didn't say why I wanted him to leave that weekend open, because we spoke about that subject yesterday; I asked him what the plan was for Valentine's Day, and he said he didn't know (I said the same; it's on a weekday, so makes planning anything a bit difficult). So I thought (again, stupidly) that maybe we can decide a little later and try to do something that weekend.

He also says there's always too much to do and that if he leaves any of it for others, it doesn't get done properly--if at all. So he's always pissy because he's always fixing things/cleaning up around here. He says he's tired of the never-ending crap that he has to do. And he accuses *me* about being controlling and picking up after the boys and being cranky about it. He's the same way, but I can't point that out. He's no longer the kind man I remember from a few years ago. I've told him I can't really talk to him anymore. He sighs or tells me I'm repeating the same things and it's getting old.

It's little wonder, because nothing is changing; I'm saying the same things repeatedly because I've seen no change. He's still spending more time with work (yes, I know... because we have lots of bills to pay), lodge, Scouts, this house, or other friends. I've told him that if we could set aside a few weekends a year to be together, just us, it would help me be happy, and give me something to look forward to.

However... sometimes, I wish we could spontaneously run away together (for a weekend). That's romantic to me. That shows me he cares about our relationship and wants to keep it healthy. But it's dying. He's tired of me and my emotional immaturity, unrealistic expectations, and Depression. I'm tired of his superior attitude, his mocking or accusing me, and him making wistful comments about a peaceful life and about the cost of things. It's true, I don't have a good grasp on being in debt, but I want to. He says he's not taking anyone's crap anymore, and I think he's hardened himself a towards everyone, including me. Our relationship if failing, and we're both at fault. :(

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ginawdw

February 2013

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