ginawdw: (Bad Day)
WARNING: There is some personal financial stuff here. If reading/talking about someone else's finances makes you uncomfortable, please stop reading now. I won't be offended!

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Talked to Chris last night. I relayed to him exactly what I wrote in the last post. He seemed very sad when he realized how he was treating me. He didn't apologize (he never, ever says he's sorry), but offered an explanation as to why he's been on edge: We are in some serious debt, and he doesn't know what to do to fix it. He's ashamed to be in debt again, and it's frustrating him to the point of lashing out at everyone.

He knows he's getting a raise, but doesn't know how much of one--and it won't take effect until July. He's getting less in paycheck, thanks to the new payroll taxes, plus medical insurance went up.

We have three 401k loans that require paying off (totaling $11,000), plus the money for the new windows (about $3000), and various credit cards ($3000). Our electric bill is more than $100 more per month since my brother moved in (it was at $150; it's now at $265), and now we pay for Alex's Karate class ($300 per month). This doesn't include our mortgage, the timeshare, the auto insurance, other utilities, and food.

I know it's not cool to talk about money, but there it is. We are struggling, and not going to deny it.

Gas prices are going up (it's $3.60/gal right now), and it's costing $60 to fill up my vehicle's gas tank, and $150 to fill up Chris' van. Fuel for the van lasts two weeks, while my car's fuel only lasts four days (I have to fill it 7xs per month, because I do a lot of driving). So in a month, we're paying $420 for my fuel, and $300 for his. We can't afford that, so he may start taking the bus.

We are cutting off our television, but keeping the internet; Chris needs that for work, when he *does* work from home. We are not getting rid of the timeshare; we will work around that somehow. It's the three loans, the windows, and the credit cards we have to pay off to give us some relief.

I asked him what I can do to cut costs, and while the answer was: "Stop driving so much," we both know that's not possible right now. Chris asked me to try to use the dryer less, which I can do, but there's no way around some of the other bills. We refuse to take Alex out of Karate; it's good for him. We will use our tax refund to pay one of the 401k loans and all the credit card bills.

He warned me that money is going to be severely tight until April. I understand that, I said, but definitely don't appreciate being grouched at regularly when a huge problem like this sits on him. Sure, he is the sole bread-winner, but as his wife and partner, I expect he would talk to me when the pressure becomes too much. Some times, I have good ideas--if only he'd speak about the problems.

I am guessing that once this enormous problem is resolved, we can focus on other things, like trying to repair our relationship. I just have to be patient... and I have a difficult time with that. But this is *CHRIS*, a man I love more than anyone I have ever loved, even my own kids (... I know! For shame!), so he's worth it.
ginawdw: (Bad Day)
I spoke too soon. Of course I did... I always do.

I'm being disrespected by *all* the men in my house.

You know, I get that my brother pokes fun and says stuff; I grew up with him and we've always done that. But when my husband levels accusations like I don't know how to have fun, or I don't relax and enjoy the moment, or some other thing to make me feel bad about myself, I tend to get emotional--and quiet, because occasionally I don't want to say something that'll get flung back at me (which occurs often). When that happens, he says I don't communicate properly.

He's so logical and sometimes I swear he's void of all emotions but exasperation. Seriously, I can't win.

Then my oldest son laughs at me whenever possible. I have been made fun of entirely too many times. I'm not super-intelligent; I try to be, but mostly I'm an emotional woman, and that gets the better of me, and when I'm not trying to be quiet, I go all over the other end of the scale and *quite* often that "think before you speak" gets tossed out the window and those emotions speak before my brain has a handle on things.

And the two youngest really haven't done a whole lot to make things easier. I am still getting on them about stuff they are supposed to do--stuff they should all ready know about because I *tell them all the time* to do those things. but when I lose my cool and scream, I'm being "ridiculous" (my husband's word).

This morning, I told my husband about the kids having certain days off this month. I have the calendars color coordinated, so I know what's going on. I did not tell anyone what the colors meant, but when anyone who lives here (with a paying job) looks at it, they should automatically know what days they get paid, and if there is a green mark on it, green = pay day. NO ONE has asked what the other things mean. So when my husband makes a snide remark about not understanding the colors, it's *my* fault for not putting up a key/guide. Okay, I accept I should have done that, but everyone has a mouth and is quick to make a rude-ish comment about my emotional behavior, but can't ask what things mean on a calendar. Classy.

On top of all of this, I told my husband to leave open the weekend of Valentine's Day. Here's what I thought: It's a holiday especially set aside for people to express their love a bit more than usual, so I thought (stupidly), that maybe my husband and I could do something together because we haven't properly celebrated Valentine's Day or our anniversaries in a while. Yes, we've gone away, but almost always with the kids. I just wanted to spend time with him, alone, and thought he'd get the message.

He didn't, of course. When I said, "leave Valentine's weekend open", he sighed angrily, and said something akin to I don't speak up and he's not a mind reader. Not those words, but it was more like he was saying that I expected him to know what was going on that weekend but wasn't saying anything about it.

Yes. Yes, I do expect it. He's a man, I'm a woman. We are married. We don't spend a lot of time together showing affection. And sex? That's a laugh. Sex hasn't been fun for me, because when it does happen (and it's not been often) it's late at night, hurried, and usually he's the one achieving orgasm, because I'm too tired or concerned my brother or the kids will hear us. What's wrong with maybe spending a night in a hotel every so often to mix it up a little, and to try to spend time together expressing our love without inhibitions? I guess I expect too much; I'm not being "realistic".

But I digress. I didn't say why I wanted him to leave that weekend open, because we spoke about that subject yesterday; I asked him what the plan was for Valentine's Day, and he said he didn't know (I said the same; it's on a weekday, so makes planning anything a bit difficult). So I thought (again, stupidly) that maybe we can decide a little later and try to do something that weekend.

He also says there's always too much to do and that if he leaves any of it for others, it doesn't get done properly--if at all. So he's always pissy because he's always fixing things/cleaning up around here. He says he's tired of the never-ending crap that he has to do. And he accuses *me* about being controlling and picking up after the boys and being cranky about it. He's the same way, but I can't point that out. He's no longer the kind man I remember from a few years ago. I've told him I can't really talk to him anymore. He sighs or tells me I'm repeating the same things and it's getting old.

It's little wonder, because nothing is changing; I'm saying the same things repeatedly because I've seen no change. He's still spending more time with work (yes, I know... because we have lots of bills to pay), lodge, Scouts, this house, or other friends. I've told him that if we could set aside a few weekends a year to be together, just us, it would help me be happy, and give me something to look forward to.

However... sometimes, I wish we could spontaneously run away together (for a weekend). That's romantic to me. That shows me he cares about our relationship and wants to keep it healthy. But it's dying. He's tired of me and my emotional immaturity, unrealistic expectations, and Depression. I'm tired of his superior attitude, his mocking or accusing me, and him making wistful comments about a peaceful life and about the cost of things. It's true, I don't have a good grasp on being in debt, but I want to. He says he's not taking anyone's crap anymore, and I think he's hardened himself a towards everyone, including me. Our relationship if failing, and we're both at fault. :(

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ginawdw

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